Guest Post - Coffee Room Conferences.....

Photos by Zbigniew Kosc

[A series on chinuch haBonim VeHaBanos sumbitted by reader "Daas BaaleiBatim," an up and coming askan in the field of chinuch. The level of writing needs a little help, but we can see through that. If you find some of the criticism tired and corny please forgive him, writing is not his thing...]

"Vus Macht Mein Zihn?" Azoi vi der Tatte!

Velicher Yankel? Ahh em, Oy Nebech, zeine kinder zenen eppes ‘azoi’, Yuh, men zul nisht geprivt verren. Veist duch vus di velt zugt “An Eppel Falt Nisht Veit Finm Boim” (Kaveh Shtible Conversation)

And that’s how we, The People of the Heimishe Nation, were inoculated with the truism “kids do as their parents." So, to put it in simple terms; if you're a good, law abiding Jew then your kids will be too. If you aren't then your kids won't be either. Hey, Come to think of it, if we would go to some Hypnotist to regress our Heimishe truisms to their source, I’m afraid most of our beliefs would have a very noticeable odor to them - namely, chlorine and caffeine, if you get my drift … Getting back to the point; "Hey, sir, wait one minute! Yankel does follow the books, so then why are his kids "azoi?" Ach! Hust nisht git Farshtanen! By the "chinuch derushes" we were taught that "doing it right" is just not enough these days Not only must you do the right thing, you must ALSO do it with ENTHUSIASM. So the new rule is that if YOU get excited about learning, Shabbos, and davening then your kid will too. But if you don't then your kid won't either.

"Ubber Mechel, Yankel iz duch mamesh a flam feier, er iz gur a varime Yid?"As an answer, we are then treated to weekly violent graphics about the Keilim Mazikim, (internet, cellphones) caricatures of children transformed into these really vicious green grumpy alligators, and snapshots of The all new "BlackBerry Auschwitz," plus, as an added bonus we get inspirational Blurbs from our Comandanten on the Shlechte Chaverim Sin-drome." Nein! Ich veis kluhr az Yankel hut nisht kein Internet, in hut affille a cell phone Me’isher." Chuchem, says the friend, bist arois mamesh far shilchen oirech! So then you missed as-a-special-bonus the "Upgeben Mit Der Kinder" speech. Chol Hamoed Trips, Quiet Quality time, Homework and More. That's what it takes to have good kids. "Shtissem,! Pinkt der chol hamoed hub ich gezehn Yankel by di rides mit alleh zeineh kinder…." So Mechel, Why do we commonly see that inspired parents have uninspired kids while stam, abi gezint not-so-bright people have these great, gelungene kids??”



Possible solutions include:

1) Too Strict with the kids vs. too easy on them
2) Hit his kids vs. never disciplined them
3) “MOLESTED”
4) “It’s his Melamed in kitah Gimmel’s fault”
5) EMOTIONALY ABUSED
6) Doesn’t have a Kehilla
7) He’s a BT
8) She comes from a divorced home
9) Dyslexic
10) Keriah problem
11) Eye Vision
12) ADD and ADHD

Yuh, s’iz a shvere gulles.

So, after all the flyers, pamphlets in the mail , free Chinuch CD’s from Shomer Shabbos Shul in Boro Park, and perforated kvitlach forms to the Gedolim from Kupat Ha’Ir were donated before Pesach - for ten dollars a pound - to the at-risk bocher who sits all day on the Yellow Sheimos Truck; After ourselves and all explanations were exhausted we finally get to hear THE SOLUTION. (We'll talk about the solution in part II, IY"H) They tell us "Nisturim darchei Hashem," we don’t understand Hashem's ways. We are reminded that the question how the "tzadik veRa lo" gets such a bad chelek in this world is the oldest one in the book and is the basis for Emuneh etc. And who can forget the explanation that the "trerin fin di mameh by lecht benchin" will never go to waste and are stored in this really big cup in himmel. Oy, and I forgot about the Teffilah for good kids you say Erev Rosh Chodesh Sivan.

So, my friends; the Agudath Israel of America's 87th "Yisrael asher B'cha Espa'er" convention is around the corner. ALL the "kenners" are gonna be there. Maybe, just maybe, someone can launch a brand new initiative. Now I know what your’e thinking; there are no more names for projects available, all combinations of all chinuch sounding names are already in use. Have no fear Chaveirim, this project can be called "The Last Clarion Call," bought with permission from the Holocaust Education Foundation, or maybe can even be called “Project Launch.” It will be in Conjunction with The Torah Umesorah Convention Resource Center and in tandem with Project Yes, and a joint project of the Operation Am Echad - Chizuk "Solidarity with our Brethren in Eretz Yisrael Mission." And I’ll even tell you the most opportune time To Launch Project Launch - right before the Chocolate Mousse a’ la la, and in between the Glatt Yoshor round table Symposium. Pleeease! Let project Launch Put together the Guide for Ketanim to Gedolim Manual. Klal Yisrael is in dire need. And when it’s done, would someone be so kind as to drop me a linel on The Complete Idiots Guide to Rising Your Kids Heimish.