The Radziminer approach to dealing with "at-risk" children (received via e-mail)

הרה"ק ר' אהרן מנחם מענדל גוטערמאן מראדזימין זצ"ל

Hirshel:

The issue of OTD = Off The Derech - kids is unfortunately a common discussion in many a household around town. Go back to yesterday's blog post if you doubt what we're saying. Or to last week's screaming match in a Meah Shearim shtiebel. No neighborhood, no chassidus, no kehila, no matter how insulated or isolated, no matter how high the walls or how many internet takonos,  is pure - did you hear the cries of the Lakewood Satmar dayan? He was clueless as to how to react to chilul shabbos in Lakewood by frum kids, he was just thinking about chiyuv to be mocheh. But he's an oldtimer, what more can we expect? The Monsey Rebbe's view is "out of sight out of mind. Just forget about them. He claims His grandfather the Ahavas Yisroel and his father had to deal with their own family members, and they did it the same way, ignoring them. It's a strange way to remember a zeide who passed away when he was 15, to remember his grandfather who was famous in the whole region for the big Ohev Yisroel in such a way ; sounds like selective memory. But maybe he's right?

In this sefer,written by the Rebbe Reb Mendele Radziminer, he writes that you should never ever give up on you son, do whatever it takes to keep him close, since his neshamah will one day hear the Kol Koreh for teshuva, like the Toldois Yankev Yosef says in the name of the Besht. Moreover, in a more "Rebbishe" way, what he says is that by the father putting all of his soul and energy here in Olem Hazeh into educating his son, that will wake up the Isaruso del'yalo of his father in Heaven, the father of rachmunis , to pity his soul and give him a ruach Tahara, and he will still become a lamdan and a tzadik. And I VOUCH for the father, says Reb Aron Mendel, that it will be so. This is a view that has to be publicized...

Hello Mama, Hello Papa

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Guest Post - by Hirshel’s buddy

For anyone who has been following Jewish developments on internet blogs and Facebook pages, it should come as no surprise that there are numerous opportunities for one to gather first-person information and insight into the current realities facing the present and future of our communities. The number of individuals who have opted out of Yiddishkeit is ever-growing, and they have a viable support network and are vocal about their experiences, thoughts and feelings. For those who are interested, the personal experiences that they share are an excellent resource, a virtual text-book, for what not to do if you are a parent facing a son or daughter that has developed – as normal adolescents generally do – a desire to experiment and seek out their individuality and wish to find their own way. I’m not a Rabbi, family counselor or social worker, but I can observe developments as they happen. The fact is that we need to keep sight of our goals as parents, and, yes, that can be easier said than done. I can’t stress enough that our job description and goal is not to create robots or clones, rather, we should be trying to develop mentally and emotionally healthy, decent, productive members of society. Unfortunately, our yeshivos and communities often run counter to that effort, and this creates the other half of the problem. So, to state the problem simply: 1) Us as parents 2) Educators and communities.

Why do I say these are problems? Read or listen to what the no-longer-on-the-derech individuals say, and weep.

Here’s our scenario: A student feels stifled, unhappy, interested in other things than those which they are forced to be engaged in – this is normal behavior and I imagine that most of us have felt that at some point and maybe still do – and perhaps they question information that they have been given by us parents or their teachers. This simple and normal situation develops – sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly – and places the student in an adversarial relationship between themselves and those who seek to instruct them. The next move by the instructors is what will determine how this story will end, and, more often than not, it ends badly for the instructors: 1) Because they misplay their side of the chess match, and 2) Because they are at an inherent disadvantage that they refuse to recognize.

I’ll start with the second first because it’s the more interesting element. It is a simple fact of life that in any relationship, the side with less invested in the outcome has more power. If I have less to lose, I am freer to act as I wish, or as they say “I’m playing with the house’s money,” while if I need there to be a specific outcome, I am at an extreme disadvantage – thus, us dads, moms, teachers and rabbis, we must know that we are automatically “behind the eight ball.” Know this first before you act – you have been warned. Your son, daughter or student does not need a specific outcome – you do – and they are the ones who will determine what the outcome will be. They have the power; you had better act cautiously and thoughtfully.

Which brings us to the first element I mentioned before: your next move is crucial, don’t blow it – you might not get a chance to fix it later. When you said “Baruch Shepitarani” at your boy’s Bar-Mitzvah, it wasn’t just a nice ritual that occurs when you dump more responsibility and guilt trips on the kid – it’s a statement of fact: you are now less responsible. You must now begin to step away from the situation and mutate from instructor to his assistant and guidance counselor. Yes, that means you must begin to disinvest and allow the next generation to find their way. You love them (I would certainly hope), but they aren’t you, they are they. Help them, encourage them, advise them to the best of your ability, but we had better not fall into the lectures, the anger, the insults, the ultimatums and all those emotionally charged reactions to signs that they may be rejecting our beliefs. They are the ones in power here, not you and not me.

If you play it wrong, you are virtually guaranteed to lose. Period. If you play it right, there’s no telling what the final result will be, but it will be healthier and happier, and we elders will learn something in the process…and that’s more in-line with our job description.